April 28, 2004

Feeling quite useless today

So, I am suffering from a severe case of sleep-deprived lassitude today. The last two or three nights, my children have been waking up at irregular intervals resulting in my sleeping in stretches only. Even if you don't get out of bed when they wake up, for instance, if the baby is just chatting to himself in his crib, you still have interrupted your sleep cycles. I understand that messing with the sleep cycle is something that is done to prisoners to disorient them and make them more amenable to interrogation. What is has done to me is just leave me feeling wasted and useless today.

I am also stressed because my wife had a job interview yesterday for a job she really wants. However, the horrible thing is the waiting to hear period. Will she get called back? Will she just get the "thanks but no thanks" letter? Who knows? And the waiting is hard because you don't want to hope because that sort of magnifies the disappointment if you don't get it and yet you can't help yourself from hoping. So it created this odd tension. I told her to immediately begin aggressively pursuing other job options so that if this one doesn't come through, she can say something to the effect of, "ah, well, but I have all of these other live possibilities". It might also distract her from the waiting. The funny thing about a deeply intimate relationship is that I think sometimes her disappointments are harder for me than for her -- that I feel her pain more deeply because I have no power to jump in and try to fix it. Maybe its love. Maybe its just bullshit and I am being stupidly self-centered to think that I can feel her disappointment more keenly than she can. Beats me. I just know for certain that when she is hurt I feel it.

Posted by Random Penseur at April 28, 2004 11:56 AM
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