June 08, 2005

The Hollywood Cliche

There I was, sweating away on some instrument of torture or other this morning, distracting my mind by looking at the t.v., when some commercial for some silly looking movie came on. As part of the trailer, they showed a rope bridge used to connect two sides of a steep ravine. I'm guessing it was supposed to be in South America but I don't really know. Anyway, it caused me to think of film cliches and here is a partial list:

*Rope bridges between ravines will break when you and only you are at the midpoint.

*Don't be a best friend in a war movie. You will die.

*Never, ever, go into the cellar in a horror movie. Again, death.

*A boy and his dog are soon parted.

*Preachers' kids are wild and dance better than you do.

*Hookers are not crack addicts and have a deep wellspring of sympathy and empathy.

*Many animals can and will talk if you only listen.

*Bad guys often can't shoot straight and if they hit anyone at all, it's the best friend.

*The geeky shy girl? Don't be mean to her. You're going to want to take her to the prom and she's going to be the hottest girl there. And she's going to be smart, too.

This is just a partial list to get people started, if anyone is inclined to play this game with me. Well, are you, punk? (Gratuitous Clint Eastwood reference).

Posted by Random Penseur at June 8, 2005 08:51 AM

WOW! Cliches a plenty with all that oxygen coursing through your body.

Another benefit of being fit.

Posted by: Wicked H at June 8, 2005 09:15 AM

The bad guy will kill or severely injury many of the hero/ines friends but always miss the hero/ine.

Never, ever be James Bond's girlfriend.

The bad guy always gives long speches before trying to kill the good guy, giving the good guy, or good guys pals time to afford a rescue. (one day I want to write a movie where the good guy goes why, the bad guy shoots and answers "The money, honey."

Posted by: Rachel Ann at June 8, 2005 10:26 AM

Oooh, the speech one. Good call, Rachel Ann. That is a particularly good one.

Posted by: rp at June 8, 2005 11:30 AM

If suspenseful music starts playing, stop what you're going to do and run away as fast as you can.

Posted by: Oorgo at June 8, 2005 12:44 PM

If a killer is chasing you through a building, you will run upstairs when you could've ran towards the door.

Posted by: Angie at June 8, 2005 01:00 PM

Star Trek VI had a good self-aware bad guy speech cliche moment. Just as Kirk and McCoy are about to be killed by the prison guards Kirk says "But before you shoot tell us... who ordered us killed?" The head guard smiles and boldly says "Since you're all going to die anyway... why not tell you! His name is..." at which point the transporter starts beaming up Kirk and McCoy. "Dammit, Spock! Couldn't you have waited 5 more seconds? He was about to explain the whole thing!" Cool.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at June 8, 2005 10:07 PM

When you are dearming a bomb and are down to the last two wires but don't know which one to cut you can be assured of cutting the correct one as long as you wait until the timer (which will be a digital countdown with big red numbers) is just about to hit zero.

Posted by: Jim at June 9, 2005 08:35 AM

If you find yourself in a sporting epic be really careful about 3/4 of the way in - it's normally when someone breaks a leg

Posted by: Rob at June 9, 2005 09:54 AM

If you're in a group that's travelling single file in a line (i.e. walking on the edge of a cliff, walking through a narrow corridor in a possibly haunted house) NEVER EVER be the last one in the line. You are thus marked for a horrible death in some way.

Posted by: Helen at June 9, 2005 11:43 AM

Hand grenades will explode with a great, huge towering 50 ft fireball roughly equivalent to a small nuke.

The hero will run thru said fireball unscathed whereas the henchmen will all be sent somersaulting thru the air in every direction.

Posted by: rob p at June 9, 2005 04:15 PM

It's ok to be a Bond girlfriend as long as you never leave his side.

No matter how stupid they are pre-adolescent kids never die.

Posted by: owlish at June 10, 2005 01:26 PM

No matter how stupid they are pre-adolescent kids never die.

Exception: Alex Kintner in JAWS and the girl in the red coat in Schindler's List.

Hmmm, two Speilberg movies. Go figure...

Posted by: Tuning Spork at June 10, 2005 11:33 PM

Teenagers that smoke dope and have premarital sex? Dead.

Teenagers that are mean to the brat they're babysitting? Dead.

Never -- EVER -- check to make sure the bad guy's "out" after only konking him on the head with a crappy ceramic vase. Even WORSE, don't step over or around him to exit the room. Use a hacksaw to get out, but don't do it. Unload a full clip, throw a few knives at him, a full case of Dranoâ„¢ and THEN exit the building -- through ANOTHER door.

Sickeningly precocious children are *always* smarter than you are and will *always* end up alive for the credits. Stick by him/her.

Posted by: Margi at June 11, 2005 02:30 AM

If you're in a Hollywood movie - you had better be frickin' hot to get anywhere. Or always be under great lighting. (Or ridiculously funny, and in that case you will also get laid.)
If you're in a Canadian movie - you had better be heartbreakingly-artistically-misunderstood to get anywhere. (A little history of in-cest might help.)
If you're in a Scottish movie - you had better play soccer, know how to yell until that red vain explodes out of your forehead, drink your buddies under the table, and like to street fight using the blunt end of a sawed-off shotgun to get anywhere.
If you're in a Bollywood movie - you had better be able to dance very enthusiastically in front of your family to get anywhere. (And the bigger the family the better - say around 150 of the immediate relations.)
If you're in a French movie - you had better dress like you're trying to impersonate a peacock or combine every era into one outfit, smoke so much that you're teeth are yellowish brown (or is this British?) and like the Canadians, a little smoochy smoochy huggy huggy with a sibling wouldn't hurt either to get anywhere.

Posted by: K Ballz at July 14, 2005 04:58 AM
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