A doctor was addressing a large scientific conference in Tampa concerning the latest dietary breakthroughs:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks contain exorbatent amounts of sugar and corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, that we all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row raised his hand and asked:
Harvard students, tricked by the Yalies, admit: We Suck.
Go see, and sing to yourself, Jim's tribute to Rodgers & Hammerstein. Hilarious.
Beware the Eradicator the next time you pontificate at a meeting. There is no way corporate security can keep this one out. None of us are safe.
You've been warned.
My father sent me this joke and since I am very pressed for time today, I tender it in place of a real post. I hope you enjoy it!
Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Harvey," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"
She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself." Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at Beth Israel Synagogue. Female friends of the family are invited.
I just had the phone ring through to my office and, being a responsible sort, I picked it up. It was Susan, from Customer Service. You know Susan, right?
Her: Hi, this is Susan calling from Customer Service about your photocopy machine. How are you today?
Me: Well, I'm fine, Susan, thank you for asking.
Her: I just need to update our records and need the model number on your photocopy machine. Could I ask you to go over to the photocopy machine and read it to me? It should be a 3 or 4 digit number.
Me: Well, sure, Susan, I'd be happy to. But first, tell me, exactly what customer service department are you calling from and who are you?
Her: click [as phone hangs up]
I wonder what the scam was.
Go to the EXTENDED ENTRY below for my all time favorite email scam, which I reproduce below.
Most of you know that I don't normally forward these types of emails, but this one looks important, and I got it from a reliable source. You may want to pass this info along to friends, or for their wives or girlfriends:
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and he asks you to show him your tits, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS. This is a scam and he is only trying to SEE YOUR TITS.
I wish someone had told me this before. God, I feel so stupid.
To continue yesterday's thought about searches that puzzle me, let me share this little gem with you. I am equally perplexed by people who spend so much time searching on the internet for: "farty girls". Are these the same people who want to know what to do with girls in bed? Or what to do about girls in bed? Do they seek advice or are they looking for a support group? The mind wobbles, to quote an old friend who preferred that to boggles.
By the way, a disproportionate number of these intrepid seekers after knowledge seem to come to us from google.co.uk. I merely offer this information and refrain from making any attempt to interpret it. Although it's killing me not to. Just killing me.
Speaking of farts, by the way, go read Helen's exegesis on sharing these experiences with her beloved. I have managed to stop laughing, finally, and am now just smiling. I warn you, though, NOT SAFE FOR COFFEE!!!
Put your coffee down, swallow, and go check this out. Tell me it's not hysterical! I dare you!
WARNING: Not safe for coffee!